funny stories.....

[nicci]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing
a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[nicci]

A couple were dining out one evening, when the wife noticed a familiar face at the restaurant's bar.

"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "I know that guy at the bar and he has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago!"

Her husband quickly replied, "That's silly, no one celebrates that long?!

[nicci]

Instructions for Stupid People

In Honor of Stupid People (an expansion as well as a revisit)

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(The shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how???.....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside
down."
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought?....)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time)?


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness..."
(And...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet,
eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
or genitals."
(Ouch! My God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe
even chuckle)... in other words send it to everyone. We all need to
smile every once in a while.

[nicci]

Warning to Men

Important..Pass this on to all your male pals!!!!

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer". The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs". 'Beer' is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of 'Beer' and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking 'Beer', men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the e night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after 'Beer' is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Pass this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this 'Beer' and the women administering it..... there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys.

[Drummo]

That last one's a classic!!!

[Fro]

Hee hee hee....they're gems....How ya keeping btw Drummo?hows PCA?

[Drummo]

It's all good man.

We're playin a gig in Katie's Bar in Bray this Saturday and then we're supporting Renegades in The Stable's in Mullingar on Friday the 16th. The EP we recorded a while back is practically finished too.

All this is on the website but I'm too retarded to get the bloody thing up as you'll have noticed if you've tried the link.

How's things with all yous? I was up with Eoin the other night putting some samples on to a loop station for a live intro but he didn't mention much about Contagious.

[shelli]

This one is great because it's true!!

The Rambo Granny of Melbourne, Australia

Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs
raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting
ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles.

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found
them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne
police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest
police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as
calm as could be:

'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say
convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and
his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the
hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were
holed up.

The wrinkled Ava also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but
doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy,
Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he
won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters.
Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy
to be alive after what they've been through.

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter
Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding
creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the
look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was
going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law
would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I
wasn't scared of them, either-- because I've got me a gun and I've been
shootin' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the
law changed about owning one."

So, using a plc artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's
description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days
prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till
she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.

"I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em
anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was
them." the oldster recalled.

So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the
door and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em
right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em
most, you know.

Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to
spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with
the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law,
but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp
said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her
for sainthood and a medal.

DEPORT HER TO IRELAND -- WE NEED HER HERE!!!

[Helmut]

When a girl from Fibbers asked how she can up her status on the boards- A Dj replied.. "Only by posting lots"
The drunken girl replied "What if I just post random stuff" to which the DJ replied "You already kinda do" Slightly offended the girl took a step back (Because her drunken legs gave way) and, with a slight drunken slur, mumbled :
" I post very many stuff thats pointfull"


Holy motherfuck. Grammar died that day.
True story..isnt that right (Insert girls name Here) ?

[nicci]

your a fucker!!!!!i forgot about that!!!

[nicci]

i was standing behind you and heard what the girl siad.......eh yeah....thats what happened......

[fiona]

brilliant nicole!

[dive]

Classy lady!