Not really that funny but I'm bored!!!

[Drummo]

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:


40-ish................................49
Adventurous...........Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking....................Mooooooo.
Beautiful.........................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Feminist................................Fat.
Free spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former slut.
New-Age............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.......................No Blow Jobs.
Open-minded................... ....Desperate.
Outgoing..........Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional..........................Bitch.
Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.
Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate..................Stalker.


WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?


MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[shelli]

OK, if this is the crap jokes thread:

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Kerry. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side
of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and
now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here.
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in
Dublin and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in Kerry. We settle small disagreements like this
with the Kerry Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Kerry Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land,
first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so
on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
local
custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed
work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His
second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his
mouth.
The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear
end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,

"Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[tom]

We already have one of those it's called the HOFF tread, i think i'll bump it

[shelli]

No, that was for Hoff jokes only, please please please dont bring him back!!

[dana]

yeah that whole thing died yonks ago

[tom]

But i hear he's in a new movie, i think we should, + i hear he might be a secret guest on Celebrity Big Brother!