Post by dana on May 8, 2006 11:09:53 GMT -5
my mate sent me this. i thought it was quite entertaining! 'tis by Peter Kay.
>> 1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid
>> problem?
>>
>>
>>
>> 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
>> Then I realised
>> that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive
>> me.
>>
>>
>>
>> 3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
>> swimming.
>>
>>
>>
>> 4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get
>> on with my real ladder.
>>
>>
>>
>> 5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
>> one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my
>> bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
>> sticks and stones all the way.
>>
>>
>>
>> 6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why
>> he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
>>
>>
>>
>> 7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd
>> better have a good hand.
>>
>>
>>
>> 8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
>> 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
>>
>>
>>
>> 9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
>>
>>
>>
>> 10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
>> the wrong answers.
>>
>>
>>
>> 11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Peter Kay's questions...
>> 1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
>> 2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
>> core of the earth
>> 3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
>> 4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your backside
>> 5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you
>> do is stand
>> up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
>> 6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
>> 7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
>> centuries'
>> have a 'use by' date?
>> 8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
>> crisp no one would eat?
>> 9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
>> 10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
>> these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
>> 11. What do people in China call their good plates?
>> 12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
>> point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?
>> 13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
>> 14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
>> 15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars
>> in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you here is wet paint
>> somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
>> 16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
>> you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of
>> the window?
>>
>>
>>
>> Peter Kay's Universal Truths
>> 1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
>>
>>
>>
>> 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
>>
>>
>>
>> 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when
>> your pint-to-toilet
>> cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
>>
>>
>>
>> 4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
>>
>>
>>
>> 5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into
>> a calculator
>>
>>
>>
>> 6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
>>
>>
>>
>> 7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
>> fire in your back garden.
>>
>>
>>
>> 8) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
>>
>>
>>
>> 9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
>>
>>
>>
>> 10) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
>>
>>
>>
>> 11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
>>
>>
>>
>> 12) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your
>> teacher mum or dad.
>>
>>
>>
>> 13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half
>> way through
>> and then raced against the flush.
>>
>>
>>
>> 14) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
>>
>>
>>
>> 15) You never ever run out of salt.
>>
>>
>>
>> 16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got
>> your hand or head stuck in something.
>>
>>
>>
>> 17) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
>>
>>
>>
>> 18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their
>> arm broken by a swan.
>>
>>
>>
>> 19) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on
>> an upturned plug.
>>
>>
>>
>> 20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
>>
>>
>>
>> 21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
>> specifically to stir paint with.
>>
>>
>>
>> 22) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose
>> 1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid
>> problem?
>>
>>
>>
>> 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
>> Then I realised
>> that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive
>> me.
>>
>>
>>
>> 3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
>> swimming.
>>
>>
>>
>> 4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get
>> on with my real ladder.
>>
>>
>>
>> 5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
>> one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my
>> bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
>> sticks and stones all the way.
>>
>>
>>
>> 6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why
>> he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
>>
>>
>>
>> 7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd
>> better have a good hand.
>>
>>
>>
>> 8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
>> 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
>>
>>
>>
>> 9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
>>
>>
>>
>> 10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
>> the wrong answers.
>>
>>
>>
>> 11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Peter Kay's questions...
>> 1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
>> 2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
>> core of the earth
>> 3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
>> 4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your backside
>> 5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you
>> do is stand
>> up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
>> 6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
>> 7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
>> centuries'
>> have a 'use by' date?
>> 8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
>> crisp no one would eat?
>> 9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
>> 10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
>> these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
>> 11. What do people in China call their good plates?
>> 12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
>> point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?
>> 13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
>> 14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
>> 15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars
>> in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you here is wet paint
>> somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
>> 16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
>> you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of
>> the window?
>>
>>
>>
>> Peter Kay's Universal Truths
>> 1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
>>
>>
>>
>> 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
>>
>>
>>
>> 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when
>> your pint-to-toilet
>> cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
>>
>>
>>
>> 4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
>>
>>
>>
>> 5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into
>> a calculator
>>
>>
>>
>> 6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
>>
>>
>>
>> 7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
>> fire in your back garden.
>>
>>
>>
>> 8) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
>>
>>
>>
>> 9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
>>
>>
>>
>> 10) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
>>
>>
>>
>> 11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
>>
>>
>>
>> 12) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your
>> teacher mum or dad.
>>
>>
>>
>> 13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half
>> way through
>> and then raced against the flush.
>>
>>
>>
>> 14) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
>>
>>
>>
>> 15) You never ever run out of salt.
>>
>>
>>
>> 16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got
>> your hand or head stuck in something.
>>
>>
>>
>> 17) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
>>
>>
>>
>> 18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their
>> arm broken by a swan.
>>
>>
>>
>> 19) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on
>> an upturned plug.
>>
>>
>>
>> 20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
>>
>>
>>
>> 21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
>> specifically to stir paint with.
>>
>>
>>
>> 22) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose
